Need and Want

The biggest question in life for me these days : Do I NEED this, or do I WANT this?  Stemming from shopping and literally spending every dollar I had on shoes and clothes, I now have to ask myself this question with EVERYTHING!! From grocery shopping to men.

Changing for you.

Why do females always find it necessary to change for a man? For example: A man doesn't like cigarettes so the female stops smoking, a guy likes blondes so the female dyes her hair, a guy likes big breasts so the female gets implants.  I don't ever recall a situation in my life where a man has been the one to change for a female.  Im not quite sure why this is, but I too am guilty of this.  Changing into a person I would never have guessed I would be, but there are also changes I believe have bettered me as a person.  All for a man. Not just any man, a man who won't change his ways in a million years.  So what does this mean?  Am I weak minded because instead of finding someone who loves me for me Ive become a person who has submitted to a man and his ways?  Or is it simply me growing up and learning to compromise to make a relationship work?

Disrespect and Lies

Those butterflies and uncontrollable smiles you get when you meet someone new can be quite distracting from the red flags you should be paying attention to.  Anytime you meet someone new you enjoy the person they pretend to be to impress you.  Sometimes its not far from who they really are, sometimes it's a complete show.  It's no secret that I'm a hopeless romantic, somewhat old fashioned, in search of love and my happily ever after.  I think it's nice for a man to open the door for a woman, take her to lunch or dinner on a first date, send sweet text messages out of the blue...etc.  The most important thing for me is respect.  Without respect the relationship will never be healthy.  I recently met a man whom was so charming that I overlooked the fact that he was lacking EVERYTHING I was looking for in a man, and possessed things I never wanted in a man.  The more I see the man he really is the more disgusted I get not only with him, but with myself for even lowering my standards for a man.  Knowing now that everything I liked about this man was a show, this man I was falling for was all a lie, I have closed that door and am done with it.  Now this man just won't leave my life quietly.  He got mad that I didn't want to have anything to do with him and approached my friend to tell her Im "crazy." He then proceeded to come to my friends birthday party, and if that wasn't enough he flew a girl out to LA just to piss me off.  Not only did I see right through his manipulative scheme, but I just didn't care.  He made himself look foolish.  I have decided that since he won't leave me alone and my "friends" were just as disrespectful as he was- I've cut them all out of my life.  I don't deserve to be disrespected by a man who is of no importance in my life nor by females who are supposed to be my friends.  At the end of the day I want to be happy and surrounded by positive energy.  It's unfortunate that you let people into your life and they don't appreciate you, but I guess that's yet another way God tests our strength.  I also believe he always shines light on evil if we take too long to respond to his tests of strength.

THE PERFECT BODY

When I was growing up I always had an athletic body because I was an athlete.  Six pack abs, muscular arms and legs, and nice firm ass.  Back then I used to hate that I had small boobs and they were mostly muscle.  I remember even sitting in my room with my best friend complaining that I had no fat on my stomach to pinch.  Now that I'm older and don't work out 7 days a week, I have plenty of fat to pinch, my ass jiggles, and I only wish my pecks weren't near sagging.  I know that I'm not "fat" but I realize that my body is not a size zero.  In my line of work I have heard repeatedly that I need to "lose 10 pounds" and I need to "tone" up before I can play certain roles. 
I read an article in STAR magazine today that society has become so frantic over the female body and the idea that thin is in. In response, celebrities with eating disorders were outraged and told their story.  The stories consisted of eating disorders and the idea that society should not partake in this size zero facade.  Well, I call bullshit!  I am obsessed with my weight and my body and am constantly dieting to maintain a specific weight.  I have fat days and wear sweats and some weeks limit myself to only fruits and veggies and even then I am still ridiculed about my body.  I never had an issue with my body until Hollywood!  So to all these people writing that article- fuck you! You're probably a size zero yourself!  I am disgusted by the phony ass people who pretend like size doesn't matter! It does! It's constantly in our face and makes females so insecure about their bodies.  Including me.

Reality Strikes Again!

They say in life, "You learn something new every day." I believe this quote was supposed to represent the brain as a sponge, soaking up useful information to make better choices.  Some how we still find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over again....I believe that is the definition of a fool?  So why is it so hard to make better choices? Take for example: A woman who falls for the same type of man and 10 years later she is still single and wondering why there are no good guys left in the world.  Yes, we are all guilty of this accusation but the harsh reality is, MAYBE IT'S US!! Maybe we should learn the things we DON'T want in a relationship, and then we can work on the things we DO want.  I am one to stand my ground and have no problem cutting ties with a man that I don't see fit in my life. However, I can still be fooled by a man, although I'm getting alot better at calling bull shit! Must be all the poker I've played ;)  It seems the older ones are the best at bull shit, they have had plenty of practice.  I have been dating since I was 16 and I'm exhausted- I have no time for games or fighting for a man's time.  I'm over the one night stands- well except for Vegas week ends ;)- and I will not be second best.  Ladies step ya game up- we run the world!

The truth behind sex-

Ok, this is going to be a little long.


Sex is three letter word but comes with so much meaning behind it. Sex can be emotional, only physical, meaningless, amazing, horrible, sympathy, payback, drunk...etc So I just want to talk about the types of sex most common, and most confused.

Let's say you had a fling with someone that was great and ended bad with the female being hurt. That hurt never fully healed and two years later is being charmed by that same person. When she sleeps with him, that is emotional sex. Because at one point she cared, and never stopped.

Now let's say because that guy upset her so she goes out with her girls and says she wants to find a guy to get her mind off him. She finds one, bangs him and that's it. That's considered get over him sex.

Now you still have feelings for this guy, and after all this you still let him hit it. What kind of sex is that considered? What kind of sex is that for the guy? It has to have some sort of meaning for him- there is too much history for it not to.

Letting Go

Why does it have to be so hard to be friends with someone, after you've had a sexual relationship with them?  It's clear that relationship isn't working, but yet I can't seem to let it go and just be friends.  Everything that I loved about that person is GONE, our sex that was once amazing is now just sex, and when I see this person it's not as exciting as it used to be.  In fact, I've even met other men that appeal to me. I need a solution to this problem- how can I put this person into a friendship category?

What am I in search of?

Sometimes as I'm sitting in traffic I dream off and get these ideas of what in my life I need or want to change.  Some things are realistic and some things are just so ridiculous.  I imagine my life with or with out certain people, career changes, location, and even events.  Though it's perfectly healthy to day dream- I feel as though sometimes my mind gets so caught up in what I want because of how amazing it was in my dreams!  Things that are out of my control begin to effect me because I become obsessed with making it a reality.  Relationships that are unhealthy are never just left and ended- I imagine things differently and hold onto those visions as if one day they will become as I imagined.  Call me a dreamer, or just crazy. As a child our parents read us these fairytales which are the reason we dream and play "make believe."  So as an adult, why can't we still play make believe?
The answer to that is simple.  We will never find what we are looking for if all we do is pretend.

A new year, a new post!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written a new blog post.  It's amazing how we get side tracked in life and become obsessed with trying to find something that may not exist. At least not at that very moment.  I had been in search of finding myself and during that search I met a man whom I thought I could possibly fall in love with.  Have you ever met someone and you just instantly felt this connection? You weren't quite sure what it was, it felt good, and kept you hungry for more. Well that's what I felt! When I was with him it was like nothing else mattered.  My phone could be dead meat because the only person I needed was right there.  I didn't care what we did as long as we were together.  The sex wasn't just sex with him, it was amazing! It was slow and passionate, meaningful love making.  For the first time in a long time a MAN stole my heart.  I lost track of everything else and all I saw, spoke, and breathed was this man.  A month later Im pretty sure he stole someone else's heart because he stepped on mine and walked out of my life.  He became a complete stranger to me, he was no longer the beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside.  Instead played mind games and his troubled emotions became apparent.  He wouldn't tell me how he was feeling, what he was thinking, and half the time ignored my calls and texts.  It was like this stone wall went up. His eyes were dark and cold, his touch was still filled with love, but his mind was some where else.  I couldn't accept that this man just wanted to go hang out with his friends and have fun over being with me.  I felt like he did those things to take his mind off of what was really bothering him- and what that is I may never know.  Needless to say it hurt my heart to lose him.  I don't regret it, and I don't hate him for hurting me.  He was special and still is.  I had an amazing experience with him and learned a lot.  The problem is, I lost sight of my own life.  My passions, my hobbies, my work, my friends....all so very unhealthy.  So how do you maintain balance?  When you find something new and its wonderful, you get excited and forget about everything old. Do you meditate? Pray about it? Or can you simply enjoy it for the time you have it, because we all know that nothing lasts forever.