Lifestyle Choices

On a recent trip home to Chicago I went out with some friends for a few drinks and to see some people I haven't seen in a while.  While out I stopped and took a look around and realized everyone I was looking at are the same people I see every time Im home.  SO if I randomly show up at those places, that means they are there every single week, day in and day out.  Thinking about it- same thing stands true in LA.  Call me crazy but I don't find that attractive at all! Especially for females.  Most of them don't even have a job.  So here is my little two cents: Keep it classy. Pick one night a week to go out and enjoy yourself with some friends.  You would be amazed at what else life has to offer those other 6 days.

Blinded

This post is long over due and very personal. Not that my other posts haven't been personal but this one  is still fresh and very real.


Stepping out of my comfort zone because I was single, I gave someone a chance that I promised I never would.  Not the person himself but the person he is because of his career. I fought feelings for this person and didn't take him seriously. There were issues with other girls but he always lied his way out of it and I believed him because I didn't really care. I was still back and forth with my ex anyway.  After a couple months I caught on to his ways and just stopped talking to him. I found out about another girl and that was it. I refused to be disrespected and I was also mad at myself for giving him a chance against my instinct. He was smooth, he said all the right things to make himself seem like a decent man.

After we stopped talking I got a text from him about a week later asking why I stopped talking to him. I explained and once again he talked his way back into my life. 2 months later I am at his house cleaning and doing laundry. As I emptied the garbage can, I see make up wipes FULL of makeup. I don't wear that much make up. I chose not to say anything because he technically wasn't my boy friend and he had friends coming over so the timing was all off.  As I emptied his suitcase from a recent trip I found a females lingerie and condoms. That was like a slap in the face and it hurt so bad I couldn't NOT say something. So I called him into the room, told him why I was upset, didn't want an explanation, and left. Then came the text messages. His apology and sincerity in his texts made me feel like he genuinely cared about "US" and even convinced me I shouldn't be mad because I never told him I wanted to be serious with him.  He said things like "You can't be mad when you never even told me how you felt about me." or "I don't want to lose you. I promise all the other shit will go out the window."  So I did. I told him I didn't know I felt anything for him until I found that stuff, but I cared. And I was hurt. We decided to give it another chance.

I went to Dubai for my birthday so I was out of the country for a good 2 weeks.  During the time I was gone he and I talked every day and everything was perfect. I missed him very much and loved getting good morning texts from him, though it was night time where I was. I really felt like the 2 weeks we were apart strengthened our relationship and I realized how much I cared about him and even started falling in love with him.  When I returned to LA he and I were both so excited to see each other and I went straight to him when I got home.  A week later my friends and I decided to celebrate my birthday at a day club.  He hadn't even acknowledged my birthday so I asked him to come. He refused and instead we made plans to go to dinner and a movie after the party. I cut out of my own birthday party early because I wanted to be with him. To my disappointment we didn't go to dinner or a movie, we sat at his friends house all night and hardly spoke to each other because there were other people there as well. At 2 am I was tired and disappointed so I left and went to his house to go to bed, hoping he was going to be home shortly after.  He came home drunk at 5 am and climbed in bed smelling like liquor. He pulled me close to him, held me tight, and whispered "good night beautiful." As hurt as I was that he blew off our date, it felt so good to be in his arms.

Over the next month things started to fall a part. I wasn't seeing him as much, he was acting different, and he even stopped texting me "good morning" and "I miss you."  In fact we were hardly talking compared to how we usually did.  I had heard about other girls and tried to ignore it because I didn't know if it was true but given his lack of effort in our relationship I could only assume it was true.  So he and I decided to take some time apart.

Within days he was calling and telling me how much he missed me.  So once again I took him back but we were not the same. We were fighting and just not getting along. So we took a break again only to run into each other at a club 2 days later. What was supposed to be a fun night out with the girls turned out to be a disaster. He got jealous that I was talking to a guy so he pulled a girl over and got her number right in front of me to make me jealous. We ended up arguing and he left. After ward he sent me text messages filled with some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me out of anger.  He told me he was hurt and hated me for hurting him. We talked it out and he told me he wanted to work it out. I immediately said I would come over so we could talk but he insisted it had to wait until tomorrow admitting that he had flown some chick out to LA when we broke things off a few days prior "to help keep his mind off me." He had me convinced I couldn't get mad because I told him I was done a few days before.  Even though we are always on and off, I accepted it. He promised he wasn't sleeping with her and like a fool, I believed him. The next day we talked and made up and everything was good again.  We even had the best sex of our relationship.

I left the next morning feeling good about our talk and knowing we both poured our hearts out to each other made me believe he was truly sorry and he was really going to try and be better. Later that night I was just glancing at twitter and saw a retweet of a girl I knew had a thing for him about being in the same place his cousin just tweeted about. His cousin was staying with him at the time and I knew it was no coincidence. I called him at least 5x and since he wasn't answering I knew what it was. A few hours later he text me saying he was with his friends but couldn't call me because it was too loud. Once I called him out on it he swore the girl was just a friend. It escalated and by the end of the night he told me he didn't want to be with me, he was done.

A week later we went to a "therapy session" to try and figure out why we were having so many problems if we cared about each other so much.  It went really good and we were happy and spending time together and didn't have any issues. It lasted about 3 weeks and all of a sudden he started pulling away.  I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't talk about it.  I wrote him a letter one day telling him how much I cared about him and asked him to talk to me. He apologized for not being more concerned with my feelings and said he would do better. That night I text him I missed him and he came back and said he didn't want to be with me any more. I was shocked, I was confused, but furthermore I thought he was just pulling his usual bull shit.  He and I both went out of town and didn't speak other than who would be taking care of his dog that we both took care of. We got the dog together but I took care of it mostly. A few days before I got back to LA I was on Instagram and to my surprise a female who is "known to be a hoe" posted a picture of the dog and I saw it. That was it for me. He said some hurtful things and said he didn't want to be with me.  That was it. We were done. For good this time.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was lost.  I couldn't believe he could do that to me.

After a few days I realized he never stopped sleeping with other females.  The night he blew off my birthday and I waited for him at home he was flirting with another girl at his friends house and later started fucking her.  That was the girl he called his "friend." Shame on her for meeting him and I together and still pursuing him.  The girl who posted the pic was a girl he was sleeping with the whole time he and I were together and he lied to her about me just as he did to other females.  The reason he blew off coming to the day party for MY birthday was so he didn't get caught up with all the females he was sleeping with. That's the reason he and I could never do ANYTHING together.  So the whole time I was falling for him and sleeping next to him damn near every day, he was a stranger. Everything I loved about him was lies! Us talking about our future together-kids, marriage...EVERYTHING was a lie!?!

My point of this blog is to always go with your gut. I knew everytime something wasn't right but I loved him.  I hurt myself and I let him embarrass me and disrespect me repeatedly.  I was a fool.  I cooked for him, cleaned his house, took care of him.  I wanted to do those things because that's what a woman does for her man.  But he wasn't my man....He was community property.  I wasted months of my life when I could have been focusing on me and my happiness.  I put him first while he left me for everything else. Lesson learned and dually noted. I will NEVER allow myself to be treated so horrible again. He made me feel worthless and foolish. Thank God I have the best girl friends because without them, I probably wouldn't have been able to see his lies and what kind of person he really is, or what kind of person I am for that matter. I deserve better- every woman does.

Personal Touch....

Traveling to London while on a spiritual journey. Being away from negative thoughts and really getting the break I need is exactly what is going to make this trip even more amazing.  Though I am here partially for work, I am also here to work on myself.  Already, 12 hours into flight and haven't even touched down yet, I am feeling an overwhelming feeling of relief and excitement all at once.  Leaving all that behind to get my mind together is exactly what I needed.  

The value of a relationship.

Knowing the potential of a relationship sometimes distracts us from the present status. Having someone who makes you happy most of the time but is very hurtful the rest of the time causes confusion. To stay with someone merely to have someone is the mistake a lot of people make. The way I see it, if they are cheating, lying, or not around half the time then you don't really have the person in actuality.  Basically, you've closed the door for opportunity to find someone while the other person has had theirs open the whole time.

Affection

I've been told by many, though I'm a nice person, I'm not an affectionate person.  I realize this as well and I don't see anything wrong with it.  To me, affection makes one vulnerable.  Why give my love to someone I barely know? Why share intimate moments with someone who may turn around and leave?  I don't like hugs, I don't like kissing, I definitely don't like cuddling, and sometimes I am even skeptical of alone time with a man.  I believe getting to know someone before you share any type of intimacy (friendly or romantic) is important.  

Need and Want

The biggest question in life for me these days : Do I NEED this, or do I WANT this?  Stemming from shopping and literally spending every dollar I had on shoes and clothes, I now have to ask myself this question with EVERYTHING!! From grocery shopping to men.

Changing for you.

Why do females always find it necessary to change for a man? For example: A man doesn't like cigarettes so the female stops smoking, a guy likes blondes so the female dyes her hair, a guy likes big breasts so the female gets implants.  I don't ever recall a situation in my life where a man has been the one to change for a female.  Im not quite sure why this is, but I too am guilty of this.  Changing into a person I would never have guessed I would be, but there are also changes I believe have bettered me as a person.  All for a man. Not just any man, a man who won't change his ways in a million years.  So what does this mean?  Am I weak minded because instead of finding someone who loves me for me Ive become a person who has submitted to a man and his ways?  Or is it simply me growing up and learning to compromise to make a relationship work?